HEARTACHES

When one’s heart has been trampled so many times should there still be room for a close relationship with that same person who trampled one’s heart?!

My answer to this question is no. forgiveness, yes. But close relationship is no.

Reason and Explanation:

With all truthfulness, this has occurred to me but once. It was with somebody I felt strongly attracted to. I wanted to keep my attraction to this person all to myself. I didn’t want it to be known. But because of the jitters, I couldn’t help myself but tell someone else. Unfortunately, somebody tattled. When the person learned about this, the initial reaction was silent treatment and avoidance. As I always say, I don’t force people to like me. And with that, I decided to avoid the person as well. I didn’t want to be the reason for destroying someone’s day. The atmosphere stayed the same for months. Then one day, out of the blue, this person started to talk to me and even invited me to sit beside this person often. Anyone in my position would think that there was a chance. This continued for a very long time. Then, silence resurfaced. We went our separate ways. I had to live somewhere far for my studies. Everything was peaceful. Then after long months of silence, a text message came in. It was from that person. We talked (actually, texted) and finally, I guess we became an item. But it was short lived. It was done through text. I begged that we keep our friendship, because I could deal with that. But the answer was no. It happened 2pm. I felt exhausted and fell asleep feeling frustrated but I already set my mind that everything is over. At 10pm, another message came in, this time telling me that this person has changed her decision and that she was already willing to be friends, at least. After reading the message, I was infuriated. Why couldn’t she just stick to her first decision? I didn’t respond to the message. Messages continued to pour in and I didn’t mind them. This continued for months then it stopped. It was a relief. I thought to myself, good thing she got tired. After long months of silence, we met again. She started texting. Since the fault was so long ago, I decided to respond. Annoyingly enough, she brought up the topic about my feelings. And because I was stupid, I told her that I still had feelings for her. Annoying right?! So we started communicating again. Fortunately, SUN CELLULAR had unlimited calling. So she asked me to buy a SUN sim so we can take advantage of that promotion. And the dummy that I am did what was asked. When we finally meet again, face to face, I learned that she is in a relationship with someone I know. The martyr that I am accepted this. I was shocked of course, but what can I do. I didn’t want to be the villain. So I accepted this without a word. In fact, when they got into a quarrel, I made a way to reconcile them. So heroic of me, isn’t it? Anyway, maybe she felt awkward about what happened, so she kept quiet. As for me, I said to myself, so long as she is happy, I am happy. We didn’t have any communication for about a month. Then she started texting again. I said to myself, here we go again. I never learn, don’t I? Anyway, she told me that they aren’t together anymore. I was genuinely sad for them. So I asked why?! But she wouldn’t answer. She wouldn’t even want to speak his name. And with that, I didn’t bring the topic up. After days of texting, I recalled me saying the cheesy phrase and her responding to it. I really thought that that was the green light. I felt exhilarated. So I decided to tell my trusted Ate about it. And boy did I get a response. My Ate was confused with the news and told me that this lady’s so called EX spoke to her and told her that their problem has been fixed already. I was really shocked out of my wits. But because of my great self control, I decided to clear things with her when she comes and visits me in my apartment. She asked to sleepover a few days before I got the news. This wasn’t the first time anyway, so I agreed. I already prepared myself for her response when we talk face to face, and thought to myself, whatever her answer is I’ll just let it be. So long as she is happy, I am happy. The time of her visit came. Despite the fact that I am exhausted from work, I decided to speak with her immediately, just so everything is clear. When I got home from work, I spoke with her. Unfortunately, she was very evasive. Every time I open the topic, she brushes it off as if it were nothing. Knowing her, I knew that there is nothing I can do for her to discuss something she does not wish to discuss. It went on for days, I felt frustrated because I do my best to come home early knowing that she is at home and not able to talk about the situation. So I’m left with nothing. I come home early because I didn’t want her to feel alone (no side trips, no malls, and no eating unless I got home). When I got home, I see her and we’d talked about random things or watch a movie together. So I resorted to the best medium yet, LETTERS. On the day before she left, before going to the office, I left her a letter. Telling her of my dilemma, and that I would understand so long as she tells me face to face. I guess, she’s not comfortable dealing with problems face to face, so she just texted. She asked for forgiveness and thanked me. She wanted to keep me as her best friend. But she couldn’t herself to talk to me. I felt annoyed and hurt. I don’t mind her relationship with that other person but she wouldn’t grant me the one thing I’m asking, for her to tell me personally. And because of that, I became silent. When she texts me, I don’t respond. One time, I got so annoyed I said the rudest thing I have ever said to her.

“Please stop texting me… don’t worry about me… worry about yourself… I’m the one with a job and a plan for my life… as for you; you haven’t even made up your mind yet…. I have lived my life without you for 20 years…. Do not expect that I still have time for you, those times that I have allotted for you have been placed to good use…. I am far too busy to be wasting my time for texting… please leave me alone…”

I know that these are hard words. But I hoped that this will halt her from texting me. I can’t be her best friend, and I can’t afford to hope again. It’s far too messy and stressful. But I guess she’s a tough weed. Until now she still texts me. My conscience is killing me, my heart is aching, and my mind is going nuts. I have forgiven her but I cannot afford to have close and intimate contact with her. Her appeal to me is no longer that strong, but there will always be something there. Good thing, I saw someone new…. But all I can do is look. God Bless!!!