HEARTACHES

When one’s heart has been trampled so many times should there still be room for a close relationship with that same person who trampled one’s heart?!

My answer to this question is no. forgiveness, yes. But close relationship is no.

Reason and Explanation:

With all truthfulness, this has occurred to me but once. It was with somebody I felt strongly attracted to. I wanted to keep my attraction to this person all to myself. I didn’t want it to be known. But because of the jitters, I couldn’t help myself but tell someone else. Unfortunately, somebody tattled. When the person learned about this, the initial reaction was silent treatment and avoidance. As I always say, I don’t force people to like me. And with that, I decided to avoid the person as well. I didn’t want to be the reason for destroying someone’s day. The atmosphere stayed the same for months. Then one day, out of the blue, this person started to talk to me and even invited me to sit beside this person often. Anyone in my position would think that there was a chance. This continued for a very long time. Then, silence resurfaced. We went our separate ways. I had to live somewhere far for my studies. Everything was peaceful. Then after long months of silence, a text message came in. It was from that person. We talked (actually, texted) and finally, I guess we became an item. But it was short lived. It was done through text. I begged that we keep our friendship, because I could deal with that. But the answer was no. It happened 2pm. I felt exhausted and fell asleep feeling frustrated but I already set my mind that everything is over. At 10pm, another message came in, this time telling me that this person has changed her decision and that she was already willing to be friends, at least. After reading the message, I was infuriated. Why couldn’t she just stick to her first decision? I didn’t respond to the message. Messages continued to pour in and I didn’t mind them. This continued for months then it stopped. It was a relief. I thought to myself, good thing she got tired. After long months of silence, we met again. She started texting. Since the fault was so long ago, I decided to respond. Annoyingly enough, she brought up the topic about my feelings. And because I was stupid, I told her that I still had feelings for her. Annoying right?! So we started communicating again. Fortunately, SUN CELLULAR had unlimited calling. So she asked me to buy a SUN sim so we can take advantage of that promotion. And the dummy that I am did what was asked. When we finally meet again, face to face, I learned that she is in a relationship with someone I know. The martyr that I am accepted this. I was shocked of course, but what can I do. I didn’t want to be the villain. So I accepted this without a word. In fact, when they got into a quarrel, I made a way to reconcile them. So heroic of me, isn’t it? Anyway, maybe she felt awkward about what happened, so she kept quiet. As for me, I said to myself, so long as she is happy, I am happy. We didn’t have any communication for about a month. Then she started texting again. I said to myself, here we go again. I never learn, don’t I? Anyway, she told me that they aren’t together anymore. I was genuinely sad for them. So I asked why?! But she wouldn’t answer. She wouldn’t even want to speak his name. And with that, I didn’t bring the topic up. After days of texting, I recalled me saying the cheesy phrase and her responding to it. I really thought that that was the green light. I felt exhilarated. So I decided to tell my trusted Ate about it. And boy did I get a response. My Ate was confused with the news and told me that this lady’s so called EX spoke to her and told her that their problem has been fixed already. I was really shocked out of my wits. But because of my great self control, I decided to clear things with her when she comes and visits me in my apartment. She asked to sleepover a few days before I got the news. This wasn’t the first time anyway, so I agreed. I already prepared myself for her response when we talk face to face, and thought to myself, whatever her answer is I’ll just let it be. So long as she is happy, I am happy. The time of her visit came. Despite the fact that I am exhausted from work, I decided to speak with her immediately, just so everything is clear. When I got home from work, I spoke with her. Unfortunately, she was very evasive. Every time I open the topic, she brushes it off as if it were nothing. Knowing her, I knew that there is nothing I can do for her to discuss something she does not wish to discuss. It went on for days, I felt frustrated because I do my best to come home early knowing that she is at home and not able to talk about the situation. So I’m left with nothing. I come home early because I didn’t want her to feel alone (no side trips, no malls, and no eating unless I got home). When I got home, I see her and we’d talked about random things or watch a movie together. So I resorted to the best medium yet, LETTERS. On the day before she left, before going to the office, I left her a letter. Telling her of my dilemma, and that I would understand so long as she tells me face to face. I guess, she’s not comfortable dealing with problems face to face, so she just texted. She asked for forgiveness and thanked me. She wanted to keep me as her best friend. But she couldn’t herself to talk to me. I felt annoyed and hurt. I don’t mind her relationship with that other person but she wouldn’t grant me the one thing I’m asking, for her to tell me personally. And because of that, I became silent. When she texts me, I don’t respond. One time, I got so annoyed I said the rudest thing I have ever said to her.

“Please stop texting me… don’t worry about me… worry about yourself… I’m the one with a job and a plan for my life… as for you; you haven’t even made up your mind yet…. I have lived my life without you for 20 years…. Do not expect that I still have time for you, those times that I have allotted for you have been placed to good use…. I am far too busy to be wasting my time for texting… please leave me alone…”

I know that these are hard words. But I hoped that this will halt her from texting me. I can’t be her best friend, and I can’t afford to hope again. It’s far too messy and stressful. But I guess she’s a tough weed. Until now she still texts me. My conscience is killing me, my heart is aching, and my mind is going nuts. I have forgiven her but I cannot afford to have close and intimate contact with her. Her appeal to me is no longer that strong, but there will always be something there. Good thing, I saw someone new…. But all I can do is look. God Bless!!!

SKEPTICISM

Earlier today, as I was scanning through the channels, I found an interesting anime that drew my attention. The anime was entitled Black Jack. It is a story of a surgeon, named Dr. Black Jack, who is not licensed to practice but became a world class, miracle-working surgeon. Unfortunately, his works are not recognized by the medical association due to the lack of license. Anyway, in this episode, he was approached by two people. The first to approach him was a young licensed doctor who brought an herb that can assist a patient in increasing stamina. He asked the doctor if they could conduct a study about this herb and gave him some inputs about the doctor’s usage of the herb. Without hesitation, the doctor declined saying that the no one in the association would recognize it due to his lack of license. The second person to approach him was a filmmaker who wishes to document the doctor’s surgery on a disease said to be incurable. The said disease is present on the filmmaker’s son. After hearing Dr. Black Jack’s successful operation of this disease, the filmmaker decided to have his son undergo the said operation as well as film the whole procedure for the rest of the medical world to see. At first, the good doctor declined but after offering a generous amount, the doctor accepted the task. After the whole procedure was done, the film was completed as well. The film was then played in front of film critics, audiences, and medical association representatives. When the film was over, the director approached the MAR’s and asked them to have the film shown to all the medical professional of the country and the world. The immediate response was skepticism and the procedure was looked down. As a result, the Doctor had the film duplicated and had his shots removed and replaced by a licensed doctor. The licensed doctor and the filmmaker didn’t agree to this, but the Dr. Black Jack reasoned that it is to help save more people. With that, the episode ended.

My summary of the story is quite lengthy but the main reason I brought this up is because of the lurking problem that existed in the said episode. The episode bore an important issue that needs to be taken into consideration. As medical professionals, we tend to be very proud of our achievements and license turning us into bias individuals. We become bias towards procedures that have not been proven by science or anyone in the field of medicine. But what if, just what if, a person who isn’t a doctor discovers an effective cure on an incurable disease, such as aids, should we be so skeptical about it? Often times, skepticism is the automatic response to this kind of situation. But if we stop and think, shouldn’t we give that discovery a benefit of a doubt and, instead of being bias, shouldn’t we conduct studies to prove or disprove the claims of the discovery? Jumping in to a conclusion that something isn’t good without trying or studying it ourselves is, for me, quite inappropriate and is driven only by pride. Therefore, by correcting this attitude we may discover a lot of things or improve things that may assist not only the medical world but also the rest of the world. I strongly believe that this approach doesn’t only apply to medical professionals but also to other professions as well.

CHOICES

“What if I choose one and you don’t like it? You’ll be upset again.” --- Tong

This is a line from the movie “the Love of Siam” delivered by Tong to his mother. It is a movie about family, acceptance, and choices. It has been tagged as a gay movie because of the relationship between two of its main characters who are both boys. To some, this movie may not be of good taste because it is about the gay community, but if we watch it without prejudice, we will find lesson can be learned from it. I am in no way promoting the gay community nor am I demoting it. It’s just that this movie is so heartwarming and good that I can’t help but talk about it.

Anyway, going back to the line quoted earlier this is, for me, the climax of the movie; and a good lesson to learn. Prior to the delivery of the line was a shocking scene for Tong’s mother. I guess, for any parent, seeing your teenage boy kissing another teenage boy, is really a shocking thing. As a discerning parent, Tong’s mother secretly met with Mew (the other boy in the story). She explicitly requested Mew to not see Tong again, as was expected of a parent. Later that day, Mew did not show himself to both his band rehearsal and dinner engagement with Tong. Knowing that Mew may not show up, Sunee (Tong’s mother) called Tong and offered to get him. When they got home, Tong prepared himself to go to mew’s house only to be halted by his mother. His mother then revealed what happened early that day. Learning what his mother has done, Tong and his mother got into an argument. He left for Mew’s house but when he got there Mew wouldn’t respond to his call. Since that day until the last part of the movie, Tong and Mew didn’t talk to each other. The story goes on and Sunee realizes things. One night, Sunee was decorating the Christmas tree and Tong offered his hand to help. As they were decorating, Tong was choosing between to tree ornaments. Then the question quoted above was placed. The question didn’t only address the indecision about the ornaments but also his future choices.

Often times, we make choices and these choices may be good or bad. Choices are definitely part of our lives whether we are parents, kids, adults, men or women. They are vital in our lives because these choices will shape our future. However, not all our choices are supported by our parents because they have a different view of what the right choice should be. Sadly, this is one cause of conflict within the family. Parents who do not like their children’s choices nag and push about what they think is right. As children, we can’t take that away from our parents since they have lived longer that we did. They may have gone through it and knew what will happen. Then it made me think, what if I listened to everything that my parents want and do not want me to do, what will happen? As I picture it in my mind, it would be boring. Life would be dull. Yes! I know that it is the right thing to do. The percentage of experiencing the pain of wrong choices may be reduced astronomically but come to think of it, won’t life be a bore. There won’t be thrills, no mistakes, and no personal decision. One might turn out to be okay but when one looks closer; he will see the emptiness of life, naivety, and poor decision-making because all his life it was his parents who made the choice for him. our parents wants what is best for us, but what if what is best for them then is not what is best for us at this time? What will happen then? Life gives us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and become better individuals. However, if we don’t commit mistakes will we really learn or will we be like robots who are programmed to do such and such without knowing why they’re doing it? I am not saying that we do not heed our parents words, but what I am saying is that parents should give us advice (and should stay as an advice and not a command) and leave the decision-making to their children. At least, if they do commit mistakes they won’t be able to point fingers at anyone but themselves. Let them learn their own lessons and make their own mistakes; in doing so, I strongly believe, that they will become better and mature individuals. “Maturity” isn’t gained by instructions but by experience like everything else in this world.

Sunee, after contemplating about Tong’s question, she answered,

“Choose what you think is best for yourself.”

– Sunee (Tong’s mother)

Love and Separation

"IF WE CAN LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH, HOW WILL WE BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT WHEN WE ARE SEPARATED ONE DAY?"

"IF SEPARATION IS PART OF LIFE,WILL WE BE ABLE TO LOVE SOMEBODY WITHOUT BEING AFRAID OF BEING SEPARATED?"

"WILL WE BE ABLE TO LIVE WITHOUT LOVING SOMEONE?"

These questions have really got me thinking today. I never imagined that I will be faced with such questions, where I do not have a straight answer myself. To be honest, these questions aren't my own, but I got it from a movie I was watching. It's amazing how these questions were raised but were left unanswered. As a result, I have decided to write about these questions.

Based on experience,it really hurts to be separated from people one is close with. I, for one, can attest to that. Almost all my life, I have experienced moving from one place to another. I guess, that is, perhaps, the reason why the weight of these question, to me, are great. It was also one of the contributing factor for the development of a barrier, a defense mechanism, and fear of developing close ties. More often than not, I tend to shun people out of my life. very few people are able to penetrate this huge and thick wall I have created. I guess I turned out to be fastidious especially when it comes to relationships.

"IF WE CAN LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH, HOW WILL WE BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT WHEN WE ARE SEPARATED ONE DAY?"

One thing I learned is that there is a way to bear it. It all depends on one's coping mechanism. Here are various ways...

1.) Keeping oneself busy to avoid thinking of the pain. This is one of the most common way of coping. This is even used in the movies. Spending one's time and energy to something productive is good; however, doing it without life is like being a zombie. It's similar to what Bella did when Edward left (New Moon).

2.) Keeping to oneself and just forget about everyone else. This is another form of coping which I personally believe is ineffective. Without anyone or anything to keep your ind away from things, more likely than not, one will be forced to think of the pain again.

3.) Contemplating what might have been wrong and correcting it.Trying to make oneself a better personis a characteristic of people who are strong enough to bear the pain. This, however, doesn't guarantee that it will be painless but at least by accepting the circumstance it reduces the gravity of the pain.

There are other ways to cope. And very few are effective.

"IF SEPARATION IS PART OF LIFE,WILL WE BE ABLE TO LOVE SOMEBODY WITHOUT BEING AFRAID OF BEING SEPARATED?"

I don't think that this is possible because one's a person loves, they tend to wish to be with that person always whether it be a friend or someone special.


"WILL WE BE ABLE TO LIVE WITHOUT LOVING SOMEONE?"

We could. but livinf without loving is lonely. No one to talk to, no one to share one's happiness, no one to celebrate with, and no one to cry one's heart out.

In conclusion, I believe that it is best to feel the pain of separation and learning from it than not experiencing the pain but feeling a great void because of not loving at all. I guess, that's what makes us become human.